A State of readiness

If you are married (or in a similar relationship), you’ll surely know what I’m talking about. Waiting for your spouse to get ready for an evening out is no laughing matter. Of course, like everything else in a relationship, it doesn’t necessarily start off that way. In fact, I have a fairly accurate hypothesis that one can judge the health (or age?) of your relationship by observing what you do while she gets ready:

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

You casually lie in bed, savoring the scene in front of you: the way she checks herself in the mirror, playing with the two tiny strands of hair that gently frame both her cheeks. ‘How did I get so lucky?‘, you ask yourself, as she stands in front of her wardrobe and scans her dresses till the next general elections.

I UNDERSTAND YOU

Once the intoxication has worn off, you’d most likely be found on the chair in front of the TV. You are watching an episode of ‘Seinfeld’ on mute, while she fills in the soundtrack with, ‘I don’t have ANYTHING to wear for tonight! Can you believe it?‘, as she tries on her 3rd dress for the evening. Kramer bursts into the apartment; you manage to squish your laugh into a smile. ‘I’m sure you’ll find something honey.‘ She must be very lucky to have someone as understanding as you. Pat yourself.

HOUSTON, WE’VE A PROBLEM

Finally, you reach the stage where you scratch your head and try to figure out what it was about waiting for 2 hours for your spouse to get ready that you used to find cute, sweet, romantic or…tolerable. ‘What’s wrong with the dress you’re wearing?‘ you ask, carefully modulating your tone to sound concerned, with just a hint of the restlessness that wells up inside of you. If you are lucky, it wasn’t audible.

AM I REALLY HERE/ AM I TRANSPARENT? (OR VARITIONS THEREOF)

‘Are you done? Should I get the car ready? Should I wait for you downstairs? Are you sure it starts at 7PM? I hope we don’t get stuck in traffic…‘ And all this, while hoping that your wife is picking up these telepathic messages. ‘Hey, you’re looking awesome in that!‘, you exclaim, in a futile attempt at accelerating the proceedings.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

‘It’s not YOUR birthday, you know?!,’ you announce in an unfortunate moment of misplaced bravery. You spend the rest of the evening fending of enquiries like ‘Why are you looking so gloomy? Aren’t you feeling well?‘ from your friends at the party, while her eyes keep throwing cold stares at you like an eagle over a carcass. Back at home, you have a lot of time to ponder over what exactly snapped it…in the comfort of your living room sofa.

MATURED

Of course this need not be this way. There are millions of ways you can occupy yourself, while she makes the life-critical choice between bottle-green and XXX-green. For example, how many ways can YOU throw up the key chain and catch them behind your back? (If you are willing to use your legs, believe me there are hours and hours of enjoyment waiting to be had). Or, is your book-shelf arranged alphabetically, first in order of author, and then title. (If you don’t own too many books, you might try arranging them in order of ISBN number…unfortunately, you’ll be the only one appreciating the end result). How about reprogramming the TV so that you’ve all the movie, music and news channels together (you might also use this time to block all the GOD channels). With a bit of forethought and planning, I am sure you’ll come up with your own indulgence for the inevitable ‘getting ready’ period.

Of course having a real hobby trumps all of the above. The above image was taken while the missus was getting ready to go out the other day (apparently, men are always in a state of perpetual readiness regardless of the situation; hence comparisons are unfair). I was tinkering around with my photography gear (I think I was trying to label them ‘light’, ‘flash’, ‘tripod’, ‘cereal box snoot’, etc for no apparent reason) when I saw her in front of the mirror. She had her back to the mirror, and every once in a while, she’d turn her head towards it as if trying to spot her own back of the head. I remember a time when this would have made me very curious. But 5 years is a very long time for me to realize that I am perhaps just not evolved enough to comprehend such complicated matters. Hence, instead, I clicked.

Please be advised that you need to exercise extreme caution (and it helps if you’re agile) when trying this yourself. In fact, after careful consideration of the dangers involved in such an endeavor, I’ve decided to also include herewith a lighting diagram for your help. Do study it carefully before trying it at home.