So as I lay awake in bed this morning, waiting for either a Tsunami  or my wife to knock off the mobile-cum-alarm clock from the desk lying about 4 inches from right arm, a realization dawned on me. You can’t summon earthquakes at will. Well that, and the fact that I’m kind of lazy.

To be honest, it wasn’t a sudden realization; this thing was brewing under the surface for some time now, but I was too lazy to drag it out and pat it into a fully formed thought. But like an itch that wouldn’t go away, I am now forced to deal with it sometime or the other.

At around the time the first human beings were leaving their homeland of East Africa, and beginning to sow their seeds in Asia and Europe, I’d started writing what I thought would turn into a novel. Somewhere between chapters 1 and 2, two incidents of even more historical relevance took place. I got a job. And I got married. So, there lay novel.doc, cozying between matrix.avi and sultansofswing.mp3, tucked inside a folder named officestuffofcriticalimportance for a good 2 years. On a couple of friends’ insistence, the file was ritualistically revisited thereafter at least once every year, to add a few more pages, and to tut-tut at the literary career that was never to be.

On one such pointless visit, I made a startling discovery. It appeared that I had amassed about 150 plus pages in the document. Scrolling through the pages to check that nothing had been inadvertently copy-pasted in, I realized that novel.doc was gathering a semblance of a structure. It was still a mess, but browsing through the pages, one got the same sense as no doubt the auditors of Satyam did. Huge football stadium-sized chunks were missing, but something was definitely afoot. I was amazed. I was elated. Something needed to be done. Immediately! So, I switched over to National Geographic and dozed off. This was a year ago.

Which brings me to this morning. So, as I lay awake trying to telepathically explode my mobile, I realized that I will probably never finish the novel. Also, the plot, when conceptualized about a billion years ago, was kind of new. But now, it would probably draw the same ‘wow’ effect if I were to tell you that I just realized that the Commonwealth games being held in India was perhaps not such a bright idea. And even if I did manage to finish it, I can totally visualize myself running around pillar to post, trying to get someone to publish it. Yeah, right.

It is at junctures like this that I generally give up and reach for a beer. But it’s already past midnight, and the prospects of finding a liquor shop at this time in Chennai are as bright as me finishing this post. So, let me do something different this time.

Starting next post, am going to put up parts of novel.doc on this blog. To make it a little less cruel for you, I’ll also do my best to add in a punctuation mark here and a chapter there. Trust me, with the right font, and if you squint your eyes and tilt your head, it will look exactly like a novel.

In between, I’ll also keep sneaking in photography posts. Why, on a particularly nice day, I might even mix them mess them up both. But, you get the general idea.

Now if I can just get someone to Ctrl+c and Ctrl+V for me…

About the Story:

The story that follows (next post, tagged ‘novel’) is more or less a faithful retelling of my time at a B-school. While none of the characters are completely real, they have all been frankensteined from all the friends and acquaintances that I have made during my stay there. And as such, it is their collective fault if you don’t find any of this interesting.

As for the plot itself, well, none of it is made-up. I swear by the little blue antennae’d alien sitting on my lap. If by the end of every post, a warm, fuzzy feeling doesn’t come over you, it’s completely natural. You haven’t commented yet.

Read Chapter 1.1

Main photograph © Tobias

©2012 rollon. All Rights Reserved.

The ‘Union For The People Who Stand Behind News Reporters Trying To Act They Just Happened To Be There’, or the UFTPWSBNRTTATJHTBT for short, called for an indefinite strike today, as talks on performance and revenue sharing broke down for the fifth consecutive week.

On this first day of strike, news reports across channels sported a deserted look, with confused reporters standing alone in front of the camera, with a disturbingly clear view of the subjects being reported. ‘It’s really unnerving,’ said junior reporter Sunanda from India TV, listlessly starring at an open manhole she’d been assigned to do a primetime exposé on. ‘Whipping up a social-crusade with stories like these in the absence of a furious mob or a candle-light vigil is a challenge in itself. Without even a couple of mildly interested onlookers, it’s virtually impossible to create any human interest whatsoever.’

The current events were set in motion four weeks ago when the News Channels Association of India had announced that they would most likely not renew their annual contract with the UFTPWSBNRTTATJHTBT citing falling performance levels. ‘The initial idea was to elevate each story with a social-reformation angle, but it was clearly not working. Our relentless crusade against wrongly painted zebra crossings has surprisingly received a very lukewarm response,’ said another junior reporter, Mr. Khanna, standing on a deserted ringroad intersection in South Delhi. ‘Besides, twenty excited, grinning men pushing and pulling to get into the frame, while simultaneously calling up their respective spouses to tell them to switch on the telly while you’re reporting how the latest natural calamity has left the country shocked and devastated can confuse some of our sensitive audiences.’

Late evening unconfirmed reports suggest that the news channels may have found a way out of the situation. A man introducing himself as the founder of a certain Fluke Determination Committee claimed that they were on the verge of inking a landmark deal with the news channels. ‘In so far as complete distraction free screen presence is concerned, we believe we have just the right candidates for the job with extensive experience in being virtually untraceable on the screen,’ he said.

Meanwhile, anticipating similar developments, news channels of neighbouring countries have already started preparations for what is being termed as ‘unassisted news reports.’ ‘We are more proactive then them,’ said Indus TV reporter Chand Nawab, featured in the clip below. ‘The first few days have been tough but we are making steady progress.’

©2012 rollon. All Rights Reserved.

In a magnanimous gesture, Indian Fast bowler S. Sreesanth today decided to pay Sri Lankan batsmen compensation amounting to 90% of his match fees for unintentionally restricting them to an economy rate of just under eight.

Indian Coach Gary Kirsten declared that he stood by his emotional fast bowler’s performance. ‘It’s just not right to expect him to consistently deliver each and every time,’ he said. ‘Besides, I believed him when he swore on Bhajji today in the dressing room that his performance today was totally unintentional and as much of a surprise for him as for the opposition.’

‘It’s the sporting thing to do,’ said Sreesanth, wiping off his tears. ‘Even I was surprised when they failed to score more than 2-3 boundaries off each of my over. I can only imagine their shock and disappointment. My mojo went for a complete six today.’

The Sri Lankan team chose to downplay the entire incident, terming it as the decent thing to do. ‘Fine, he did partly make up by conceding those two boundaries off his last two balls,’ said a relieved Sri Lankan batsman Mahela Jayawadene. ‘But imagine what would have happened had we lost! How would we’ve justified those three dot balls off him in the first few overs?!’

The cricketing fraternity expressed mixed feelings about the entire incident. The perpetual come-back kid of Indian cricket, Ajit Agarkar, termed the entire episode a cheap publicity trick. ‘What’s the big deal,’ noted Agarkar dismissively. ‘If some day, in like the next decade or so, I fail to give away my usual twelve runs per over, I too will do the same!’

Veteran cricketer Mohinder Amarnath refused to see the novelty in Sreesanth’s actions, terming it a normal practice for inconsistent bowlers. ‘I’m still paying the entire West Indies team in installments for all those unfortunate wickets I took back in 1983.’

And as is the case with everything that involves remuneration, compensation or credit these days, Chetan Bhagat couldn’t resist a comment. ‘Sreesanth has remained true to at least 82.5% of his implicit agreement with the other party,’ he thoughtfully noted in his newly acquired appreciation for legal contracts. ‘By the way, have you seen the similarities between today’s match and my latest bestseller? In fact, I’ve made a list. Firstly, all the characters are humanoids…they all have two eyes, one nose…’

©2012 rollon. All Rights Reserved.

In a move that is being universally regarded as a political masterstroke, the Congress today finally packed up Shashi Tharoor in a carton, and left him in front of the BJP office as a Pongal gift.

The BJP office at 11, Ashoka Road was witness to some pensive moments as the party workers tried to make sense of the curious delivery. ‘We thought it was a bomb or something at first…,’ said a dejected party worker. ‘…but alas, it wasn’t.’

Commenting on the issue, party spokesperson Manish Tiwary clarified that all possible alternatives had been explored prior to this extreme step of giving up the controversial Minister of State for External Affairs for adoption. ‘We didn’t understand most of the stuff he said in his weird accent anyway, but we still put up with him for all these months,’ explained Mr. Tiwary. ‘We even tried hiding his handset a few times, but the opposition kept gifting him new ones every week.’

‘Returning festival gifts is not as easy as it sounds; we have to take care of his constituency’s sentiments,’ said a reflective BJP spokesperson, Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad. ‘Besides, he’s been no trouble at all. He’s been glued to his phone ever since we unpacked him.’

Emerging from his makeshift accommodation, a visibly disoriented Mr. Tharoor said ‘I was blissfully imbibing my morning cuppa tea when suddenly, out of nowhere, Tiwary and that Singhvi dude crawled up from behind me, and put a bla…’, but stopped abruptly after 140 characters.

©2012 rollon. All Rights Reserved.

The Copenhagen Climate talks received a fillip from unexpected quarters today with the announcement of Ashutosh Gowarikar as the first certified fluke of the Indian entertainment industry by the Fluke Determination Committee. The Fluke Determination Committee was constituted earlier this month to identify flukes or ‘one-hit-wonders’ amongst celebrities in an effort to ease them out of public life, thus reducing the entertainment industry’s carbon footprint in the form of saved newsprint, air time and web space.

On the eve of the press conference, Sanjay Kapoor, ex-actor and founding Chairperson of the board, elaborated on the breakthrough work of his committee and global climate change. ‘Every third person is a celebrity today. The committee makes it easier for the general public to identify the real ones from the ones who are still trying to derive mileage out of something they did in the mid 90s,’ said Mr. Kapoor, obliging the photographers by striking a pose in front of a poster of his 1995 hit ‘Raja’. ‘It’s criminal to waste so much of time and money on someone who’s clearly outlived his or her public utility. Just imagine the amount of that ozone thingie, old classics, careers and present-continuous tenses we could have saved if this committee had existed during the early part of RGV’s career!’

Mr. Gowarikar was much more guarded in his reaction to the development. ‘You can’t debate the numbers. But don’t be surprised if some of us make a surprise comeback with another hit in the very near future,’ he said, while fork-lifting his 10-volume, hard-bound script of ‘Jodha Akbar Returns‘ into his Swades-style mobile home.

Seeing the overwhelmingly encouraging response to this novel initiative, the committee is hopeful that has-been celebrities will now voluntarily step forward to be phased out of public life; however, when quizzed about rumours of himself being up for review in the next meeting, Chunky Pandey, the only other committee member, coyly clarified that the current algorithm required one to have at least one hit to be eligible for review.

©2012 rollon. All Rights Reserved.

In an unprecedented event earlier this evening, Arnab Goswami, the Editor-In-Chief for Times Now, stayed silent for a full 5 seconds during News Hour, allowing his guests to speak, and sending the TRP ratings for the channel soaring through the roof. This shocking moment occurred while the usually chirpy Arnab was interviewing an expert panel of celebrities, regarding Borivali’s recent demand for statehood.

The news has been received with varied reactions from all over. Rajdeep Sardesai, from a competing news channel, said he’d like to maintain a dignified silence regarding this development, right after pointing out that the gimmick was ‘too low even by Arnab’s dwarfish standards’. Mahesh Bhatt called in earlier today from his mobile home parked permanently outside the offices of 24×7, saying that the news was provocative, communal and biased. He further demanded that the censor board be banned for this. When pointed out that the Censor Board had no role to play in this incident, he said that it was beside the point, and the censor board should be banned regardless. Throughout the telecon, Suhel Seth, seated beside Mr. Bhatt, kept shouting obsceneties. When asked to comment, he said that he was infuriated with the situation for no particular reason and threatened to go without a hair cut for a further six months.

The most candid response came from the expert panel itself. Apparently, they were flabbergasted that Arnab betrayed their trust on national television. As usual before News Hour, the panel had been briefed that absolutely no answers would be required from them throughout the program, since Arnab will keep questioning without pauses; their role was restricted to trying to fit in as many interjections and conjunctions (Whoa!, But, Ah!) in between to give the illusion of them actually having something to say. So, fifteen minutes into the program, Ms. Ameesha Patel was understandably embarrassed when she found herself forced to sing ‘Yeahhh lazy lazy lamhe…’ to Arnab’s question on her opinion on a federal government structure.

On the other side of the border, Pakistan Interior Minister, Mr. Rehman Malik, noted that this was a difficult time for Pakistan, and urged the citizens to be brave and help the nation to collective overcome these forces of evil. When reminded that it was the Times Now incident and not another bomb blast for which his reaction was being sought, he noted that this was a difficult time for Pakistan, and urged the citizens to be brave and help the nation to collective overcome the forces of evil.

Arnab himself chose to downplay the incident, pointing out that the magnitude of the incident had been blown out of proportions by the media. ‘I remember being silent for a full 6 seconds back in 1985 while honing my interviewing skills on my pet dog. That being said, I know that the people of India are dying for an answer. So, you can join us today on News Hour to find out WHY ARNAB PAUSED,’ said Arnab with his trademark authoritative voice, while leaning over the desk on one arm.

Note: All of this is obviously untrue. Arnab didn’t pause.

©2012 rollon. All Rights Reserved.